Losing my 3-year-old cousin Harper was the hardest thing ever. No one should have to lose anyone the way I lost her.

Yet grief is weird because it comes in many different forms.

I’ve only lost one person before her and that was my grandpa, so grieving someone who died so young is different.  Harper died so suddenly that not only did it send my family into shock, but the whole Derby community. She died on April 24th, at the Quik Trip located on K-15 right across from Burger King.

We received a huge amount of support from everyone — it almost got too overwhelming to deal with at the time. With my aunt being in the hospital, we had to delay Harper’s funeral by three months.

The worst three months of my life.

And there’s always the “what if” questions about that day.

What if they didn’t go to the gas station? What if they went to a different pump? What if my uncle told my aunt the gas light in her car was wrong and she didn’t need to get gas?

What if Harper survived?

Losing Harper at a young age makes me wonder what she would’ve been like as she got older.

Despite that, there’s this empty hole in my life that can’t be filled. Now a vacant feeling fills the home where she used to laugh and play in.

The impact of how losing a loved one impacts you isn’t talked about enough. Maybe obvious things like crying or grieving, but what about the guilt?

Although there was absolutely nothing I could’ve done to prevent what happened from happening, there’s still guilt in the back of my mind. All because my dad was going to get gas from the exact gas station with me and my brother only about 15 minutes before.

What if we went to the gas station and it was us that got hit? What if we could’ve saved Harper? What if we could’ve prevented it?

I carry that with me every single day and my anxiety gets worse. The anxiety and depression after a loss is something that isn’t talked about enough

According to Psychiatry Online suicide rates are higher among people who are grieving than those who are not.

If you need help, text 988.

Losing someone is never easy. However, my family and I do things in honor of her memory to help with the pain of losing her.

If you visit the Quik Trip, you’ll see a small pink cross that we placed in honor of Harper.

We’ve also had shirts made, hoodies, beanies, and even stickers. All of this is because of my uncle. He has a plaque that will be placed in Dorner Park in Haysville in December.

We have a logo dedicated to her.

She was such a young girl with so much life ahead of her. We were all robbed of that time.

I will forever carry her memory with me, whether it’s talking about her or posting her.

Harper Justice Ivy lives on in me and my family.