So I hear you’re in the market for a new friend. 

We’re fresh out of the artsy ones and the smart ones, and the last of the token minority friends was recently put on hold.

But we do have a new line of friends available. 

There’s a 100% guarantee that you’ll want to return them but will find yourself unable to because you were nice to them once and now they think you enjoy them even though it’s mentally draining to try to sustain a relationship with them. 

Here are a few of our more popular models from this line:

Racist One

These friends commonly use the word “ghetto” or “thuggish” to refer to a black or Hispanic person who is just minding their own business. Possibly even uses racial slurs. They have a tendency to say things that are extremely offensive, but begin the sentence with “Not to be racist but…”

They often tense up when a person of color approaches because “they look sketchy.” They might take it upon themselves to argue in favor of people who are openly racist. They may even believe in reverse racism, which is not a thing. You can’t tell them that though, or they might accuse you of attacking their opinions.

The Homophobic One

There are many variations on this model. Some of them are homophobic as a result of their religion and some of them are just ignorant. Regardless of the reason, they have some type of an aversion toward people who aren’t straight. 

They don’t support the idea that some people may not love a person because of the genitalia they were born with. More often than not, they’re bigoted toward the entirety of the LGBTQ+ community. 

This model of friend commonly refers to things they don’t like as “gay,” as if that’s an insult. They also use homophobic slurs as a general insult. 

The Bad Influence

Ah yes, this one is a classic. It’s one of the staple teen movie tropes. They encourage you to partake in behavior that can negatively affect you down the road. They don’t seem to have any regard for your well-being or their own. They typically pressure you to do things and make fun of you if you won’t do them. 

The Convenient One

The last model we have available is the convenient one. These ones will be buddy-buddy with you in some circumstances, but in others they will completely ignore you. They have a habit of only befriending you because of what you have to offer. If you’re in a class together, they might use you for homework. They might also use you for your money.